It’s been a while since I last wrote and update this blog and now, I am here as I take this time to reflect on myself.
Someone asked me, “why you are not going out?”. And I replied, “because I don’t know; I rather stay at home and sleep.” And then he asked me again, why???.
I don’t exactly know how I am going to reply and give him a satisfying answer. It is just really, I prefer to stay at home and do nothing. And then we had a deep conversation about it. And I came to asked myself as well, WHY??Why I’m afraid to go out? Why I am afraid to socialized with other people? Why I do not speak what is on my mind? Why I am afraid to trust again? There’s actually a lot of whys. And now I am trying to reflect on myself. I am not sure if these reasons would be really the answer to those questions.
- I prefer to stay at home because I find it comfortable and relaxing to just lay down and do nothing or is it because I am too lazy to go out.
- I rather not speak what’s on my mind because I am afraid that I will cause harm or hurt the other person with my words or actions. I know how painful it is to heard something unpleasant. I do not know, I’d rather be the one to be hurt than to hurt someone.
- Yes, I am afraid to trust again. Maybe because of what happened to my relationship before or maybe because I am not really ready yet to meet someone or open up my heart again to someone. And right now, my prioritise are my family and myself. Maybe that’s the number one reason why I do not want to go into another romantic relationship again. And I believed that GOD is still preparing the right person for me, so no rush.
- And I really prefer to enjoy the peaceful moments to myself only. I am really enjoying having a cup of coffee by myself. Go around the sceneries by myself. I really wanted to enjoy what I enjoy without thinking about the interest of others.
You may find me boring and afraid to try things with others but what really matters to me is my own happiness and peacefulness.
Maybe sometimes, someday I will enjoy mingling and socializing with other people. Maybe someday but not today.
