It’s been a while since I last wrote and update this blog and now, I am here as I take this time to reflect on myself.

Someone asked me, “why you are not going out?”. And I replied, “because I don’t know; I rather stay at home and sleep.” And then he asked me again, why???.

I don’t exactly know how I am going to reply and give him a satisfying answer. It is just really, I prefer to stay at home and do nothing. And then we had a deep conversation about it. And I came to asked myself as well, WHY??Why I’m afraid to go out? Why I am afraid to socialized with other people? Why I do not speak what is on my mind? Why I am afraid to trust again? There’s actually a lot of whys. And now I am trying to reflect on myself. I am not sure if these reasons would be really the answer to those questions.

1. I prefer to stay at home because I find it comfortable and relaxing to just lay down and do nothing or is it because I am too lazy to go out.
2. I rather not speak what’s on my mind because I am afraid that I will cause harm or hurt the other person with my words or actions. I know how painful it is to heard something unpleasant. I do not know, I’d rather be the one to be hurt than to hurt someone.
3. Yes, I am afraid to trust again. Maybe because of what happened to my relationship before or maybe because I am not really ready yet to meet someone or open up my heart again to someone. And right now, my prioritise are my family and myself. Maybe that’s the number one reason why I do not want to go into another romantic relationship again. And I believed that GOD is still preparing the right person for me, so no rush.
4. And I really prefer to enjoy the peaceful moments to myself only. I am really enjoying having a cup of coffee by myself. Go around the sceneries by myself. I really wanted to enjoy what I enjoy without thinking about the interest of others.

You may find me boring and afraid to try things with others but what really matters to me is my own happiness and peacefulness.

Maybe sometimes, someday I will enjoy mingling and socializing with other people. Maybe someday but not today.

2020, this year has brought us so much sorrows, worries, anxieties and sadness. I did lots of thinking… I could not say anything that will bring comfort to you. We might be experiencing the same general problem but still our situatios will always be differen. It is really how are you going to carry yourself. The CHOICE is always yours to choose and follow.

And I cannot judged you for whatever you decide on. I just hope that despite of what is happening around, you choose to be KIND. Kindness will not cost you anything but it can bring changes to people’s lives. And we can be kind on our own little way. Just sending sweet message to loved ones, asking how they are doing can be a great help. It is not always what you can give materially but what your HEART can give with sincerity.

I have a friend, she’s really a great inspiration and motivation for me. Despite of the battle she is fighting within herself she still chooses to give. And I mean giving to those who she knows is in need. She gives employment to those who have skills yet no opportunity and by doing so, she’s basically helping out lots of family to sustain their livelihood. I trully admire her, despite how broken and how she was hurt she still chooses to be generous. She’s now doing a charity event every month and this pandemic did not hold her back to give more. She’s really a good person with a BIG heart. I do love her so much and I am just wishing for her to be stronger, happier and continous healing. She’s so kind that she really deserve all the good things happening to her. And hoping someday, I could also do the same- CHANGE people’s life in my little ways and help those who are in need.

You will be really BLESSED in GIVING…. It is more blessed to give than to receive” which teaches that there is joy in the act of giving when it is done with pure motives.

Often, out of our greatest rejections comes our greatest direction. When I read this line in the motivational book that I am reading now, it strucks me. Trully, everything that is happening in our lives now is the path that GOD planned for us. When we bumped into a closed door or something is not going on the way that we hoped for, we easily tend to blame it to GOD but we should not and instead look at it as what we call REDIRECTION.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable and hard to accept but if we will see this in a different light it will help you realise that it is really not the right path for you. I am saying this based on what I had experience in love.

I am sharing this personal experience of mine as it might be a little help to you right now. I’ve been in a relationship almost seven years. I really hope that he will be the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. My world fully rotate on him. I relied almost everything on him that’s why when we broke up, I was put in slump, depress, lifeless and hopeless to the point that I am willing to end my life. I don’t know how I will continue to live without him. I’ve been crying my life out and lost the interest to live and go on. But really GOD is the greatest LISTENER.

One night after a deep conversation with the Heavenly Father, I found myself taking the courage to live again. Not for him but for myself and for the purpose that GOD destined for me to fulfill. I fixed myself, love myself even more and change on how I perceived things.

I realised that all the things that happened to me is just a redirection. I’ve come to see the things and blessing that I used to ignore before.

Here are some of my learnings from what happened.

1. We cannot give away or share what we don’t have. How can we give the unconditional love to others if we do not love ourselves. This is not only on love but applies to almost anything.
2. It is not our fault if people left us. Our flaws and weakness is all part of who we are and GOD is continuously working on us. We should use this flaws to move forward and improve ourselves.
3. Once you left the situation and set yourself free from everything, guilt and past, it will be easier for you to live a healthier and happier life. You will learn how to be grateful for every little blessings that you are receiving; be it financially, socially or emotionally. God really is amazing.

Yes, it took me almost two years to finally let everything go and move on with my life. Moving on is really a hard and painful process but if you do not stop taking one step everytime, one day you will see how far you’ve come. We all have different pace and timing but it is important that you are doing something to move forward and stop dwelling on your past.

I still have lots of things to say/share but I do not know if what I am sharing is making any sense. If it reaches you then I am praying that you find it helpful and hoping for you to be better :).

Happiness is not doing fun things. Happiness is doing meaningful things.

Maxime Lagacé

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