BASHingtothesnow

Today, I stumbled upon a beautiful phrase — “the love that remains.” It made me think of you.
You were that love. Maybe not the forever kind. But the kind that lingers softly in memories, in moments, in lessons learned.

Tomorrow… it was supposed to be a day I once looked forward to the most. A special one. But now, it just feels like another ordinary day. And that’s okay.

I still wear the sunflower bracelet you gave me last Christmas. Not because I’m holding on, but because it reminds me — that I was once loved, that I was once truly happy. That even if we didn’t last, there were moments that meant something. That mattered.

You helped me realize a lot about life. About myself. And even though it hurt, I’m grateful for that. I really am.

So here it is — a quiet kind of goodbye.
I’m moving on with my life. I’m letting you go. Fully, freely, and with love.
But more importantly, I’m letting myself go too — freeing myself from the heaviness of insecurities, from thoughts that whispered I wasn’t enough.
Not everything is meant to stay. I’m learning to accept that.

Wherever life takes you, I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope timing is on your side, and peace follows close behind.

Thank you… for being part of my story, even if it was only for a chapter.
This is my last message to you. If the universe ever lets us cross paths again, I hope we can look at each other and smile — without sadness, just light.

As I was watching the sunset yesterday, a thought suddenly came to me — I often used to say that I am a sunflower, and you are my sun.
Maybe… my sun needed to set, so I could finally experience the moon.

And in that moment, I realized — you aren’t bad, and neither are the memories we shared. Maybe your purpose as the sun wasn’t just to shine for this one sunflower. Maybe you had more skies to light, more worlds to warm.

I am slowly learning to accept that you are not meant for me.

Like the irony of life, sometimes we have to endure the heat before we can appreciate the beauty of the sunset.
Not all endings are sad — just like the sunset.
Maybe we didn’t end things the way we imagined, but I don’t regret a single moment of what we had.
I don’t regret letting you in, trusting you, even with the scars I carried.
You were my serendipity — an unexpected joy I never thought I’d feel again.

You were the person I didn’t see coming, yet brought me light I had forgotten I deserved.
And maybe… maybe my role as a sunflower was never to keep the sun, but simply to admire it while it shone on me.

Because not all beautiful things are meant to be ours forever.

So I’ll keep being a sunflower — standing tall, seeking light, finding purpose.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be the sunflower you’ll one day look back on.

It’s been more than a week since my heart broke — not just a simple crack, but a shattering. And each piece still aches with every reminder, every silence, every memory. I loved deeply, truly, and fully. That in itself is both a blessing and a curse. To give everything and be left with nothing feels like the cruelest kind of empty.

I keep asking myself: Do I deserve this pain? Did I do something wrong, in this life or another? Why does it feel like the universe is punishing me for loving someone with my whole heart?

There are so many “whys” flooding my mind. Questions I may never get the answers to. And though I try — I try to smile, to be okay, to live as though I’m not hurting — it’s almost impossible. Even the little blessings I know I have feel small beneath the weight of this pain. I want to be happy, to be grateful, to move forward… but it’s hard to see the sun when you’re standing in the middle of the storm.

Flashbacks hit me when I least expect them. I remember the way your mom said, “I hope this is the last time,” when we met. I wonder if that was a sign. I wonder who I’ll become in the stories you’ll tell about your past. Will I be a lesson? A mistake? A forgotten chapter?

I want to be the bigger person — to be kind, forgiving, and at peace. But I’m struggling. I’m angry. I hate that I feel some hate. I hate that I don’t always wish you well. That’s not the Gladys I want to be. That’s not the version of me I’m proud of. I want to keep my heart soft. I want to be understanding. I want to forgive — not just you, but myself too.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday… maybe I’ll find peace in the idea that I am going through all of this because I once was loved. And because I once dared to love with all I had. And that, no matter how much it hurts now, means something.

For now, I will just keep writing. Keep breathing. Keep healing — slowly, softly, in my own time.

“Maybe next time I’ll be enough
You’ll give me everythin’ instead of givin’ up
Maybe next time won’t be a waste
You’ll be the one and not the onе that got away
So, I count down the days ’til I won’t have to say

Maybe nеxt time” – Jamie Miller

I am here writing this to you. I am not sure if you will be able to read it or not. But still, I would like to let you know these things for the last time.

I am still hurting, I don’t know what else should I do now. I am like a shattered glass, a puzzle with a missing piece. I don’t know how I am going to carry on with my life. I know healing will take time – a really really long time and this add to the relationship trauma that I already had. I am not writing this so you could feel guilt. I just would like to have this chance just to say THANK YOU.

Thank you for the time that you gave me love, when I couldn’t even love myself.

Thank you for making these past years bearable.

Thank you for atleast giving me a chance to felt what was happiness, though it didn’t last but still I am grateful.

Thank you for making few of my dreams come true.

Thank you for giving me an extended family and circle of new people.

Thank you for allowing me to love you.

There were many other small things that I am grateful for to you.

Even our partnership did not last long, I am still thankful to you.

Pain will always haunt me but atleast I have fond and good memories of you.

Thank you for showing me, I can be so much more that I am.

And sorry for everything. Sorry I am not able to wish your happiness right now. But maybe soon, when the scars fade I will be able to. Sorry for deleting all the memories we had, maybe just my coping mechanism.

This is my last letter to you. You are free now. Thank you and I love you.

Your 🌻

Life is really tough and unpredictable.

Another fall back. Another wall that I wasn’t able to climb or break.

Should I just accept that in this Journey, I am ALONE, that it is my destiny.

Maybe I should get used to it, that in the Middle of nowhere, everyone else is going to left and abandon me.

Should I just shut myself up from the world, so I will not feel the PAIN anymore.

Should I just accept that no one is going and willing to accept me and my life hurdles.

Should I just lower my expectations and hope, so it won’t hurt anymore.

Should I put the blame to the world for throwing me and casting me away?

Should I really, Trust no one…

The things I feared the MOST, happened to me once again.

Maybe the HAPPINESS in this life is not for me.

Maybe, in the next life. I will be happy.

Here I am again, after a long hiatus. These past few months has never been easy for me; even to my family. We lost our loved ones and it broke my heart that since I am away from home, I cannot really help to comfort my family. I know everyone of us is struggling but still we are trying to stand on our feet for our very own reasons or maybe because we do not have another option but to fight for life.

Right now, I’ve been on a heavy and exhausting journey, that any moment I feel like giving up. I am even questioning my purpose in life. I am desperately praying everyday to GOD to allow me to see why I am experiencing this. GOD never leaves me. He continously putting a special person in my life who is willing to support me, encourage me, be understanding of me. He is like a pillar that I can lean on.

Life is tough and full of obstacle but still if we will learn to count our blessings and be grateful for every liitle things that we have than to focus on what we do not have, we will see the GREATNESS and the GENEROSITY that GOD is sending to our life. Maybe these past days, I put my focus on the wrong direction reasons why I am feeling empty and lost. If I will put GOD as my navigator and compass, he will lead me to a calmer and bluer sea. Life is too short to dwell on the people who hurt you. If you have the ability to FORGIVE, learn to forgive as at the end, you will be the one to attain the PEACE and HARMONIOUS life you wanted. (Sorry as it is mixed up-my message to you my reader and a message to myself as well). Learn to let go of the past, the pain and traumas that you experienced. I know it is a long process but if you set your heart and mind into it, you will achieve it.

**special message to someone- KO**

• I really don’t know what happened to the two of you, but I am hoping and praying for your HEALING. Life is short. And I hope that you will stop all those silly things that you are doing right now. You deserve peace, you deserve to be happy with your own destined person. I will continuously pray for you. I am sorry, I got mad at you for doing those things to me; at some point, I can understand you but I am just hoping that you will realize that what you did was wrong.

To MABY,

Thank you for being there despite of everything that happened. Thank you for not leaving me during those hard times. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for being my shock absorber. Thank you for encouraging me, for giving me the motivation and strenght to continue. I know I am not a perfect MABY, but I will try my best to be a good and faithful one to you. Thank you. Happy 11th. I love you

“Good things comes to those who wait”

Serendipity- luck that takes the form of finding valuable or pleasant things that are not looked for.

Your birthday is coming up but I wasn’t able to think a meaningful gift that I can give you, so hopefully you will like this since you told me that you like my writings and hoping that someday I will also write something about you.

I actually do not know how I am going to start this and you keep on asking me what I am doing while I am writing this so it’s kinda hard to tell excuses.

An unexpected encounter and “pilit” one. When we started talking to each other, I don’t really have an idea that I will fall for you. As I have told you, I completely closed and locked the door of my heart and barely let anyone be part of my life but I really can’t explain it, I found myself smiling and looking forward to your messages even if it’s just a sentence or two. You make it easy for me to TRUST someone again. You know the pain I’ve been through and I know yours, maybe that’s the biggest connection that we have. You make it easy for me to open my heart again. I know, we only have known each other for just few months but I can really tell that you were different, a SPECIAL ONE. You were the biggest ACCIDENT in my life, that if I will given a chance to repeat, I will do it a million times. I know I am lacking in many aspects but you still accept and LOVE me as I am.

Before, I wrote here that TEARS also tells a thousand words, but with you this TEARS only means HAPPINESS. Thank you for becoming the new meaning of those words. Thank you for allowing me to LOVE you in ways that I can. Thank you for being so understanding. Like a simple facial expression or eye roll you already know what I mean. Thank you for making it easy to communicate with you. Thank you for your sacrifices just to see me and be with me. Thank you for bragging to your friends that you have me. Thank you for always making me a part of your everyday life. Thank you for the encouragements when I needed them. Thank you for making me laugh on silly things. Thank you for introducing me to your passion. Thank you for being with me and keeping up with my “toyo” days. Thank you for giving me another family. Thank you for teaching me how to LIVE again and look forward for the next morning. Thank you for counting down the days that we can be together again. Thank you for making life bearable for me. I thank GOD, and your parents for your LIFE.

Since we have been together, I regain the confidence again that I am worthy to be LOVE, to be taken care of. And I am very happy that we rarely say SORRY which in the past becomes an everyday nightmare for me as those words remind me of how unworthy and lacking I am. I know that we have a long way to go but I will make sure that we will through with it together. As you have always said to me, it is not about YOU or ME, it us about US and with that I am grateful that I am part of your future. Looking forward to more days with you and our future ERENS and SERENITY.

Hope that you like it and I will continue to write more about you. My inspiriration, my safe place, my comfort and my love.

I LOVE YOU!

“The moment before the sunrise.”

As the year ended, I took this time to reflect and sort out my realisations of 2020. The year that taught us lots of things.

I started the year full of mixed emotions; excitement, anxiousness, fear, joy and hope. As I tried to looked back on everything that happened to me, I am somehow proud of myself but also feel regretful, as I wish I did better. My journey going here in Malta is really a big life changing decision for me. I took big risk to left everything I have in the Philippines, my family, my friends, my job, my comfort. I had to be brave to face this new journey on my own. I do not have anyone beside me except myself. I have to depend and rely on myself. But I am still beyond BLESSED that GOD put and surrounded me with good people. People whom I can say, became a big assurance and comfort when I am away from my family. Living with people you just met for the first time is not easy, you have to be more humble and learn how to go with their flow but ofcourse we cannot always please everyone as conflicts and problems will arise but you just have to be wise and be firm with your choices and decisions in life. Life will always challenge you, and it is up to you how are you going to react to it. 2020 is really not a good year but it still taught us lots of things. It taught us how we can look up and pay more attention to our health and hygiene. 2020 thought us that discipline and patience will keep us away from danger and all negativities. It also teaches us to be more grateful and appreciative of the things that we have. If we will just took the time to reflect and see the brighter side of things, we can say that GOD really is amazing. Maybe, for some of us 2020 is a painful year as we might lose our loved ones, it ended lots of relationships, career, jobs and even brought hunger but still we should be THANKFUL as I am sure there’s also something GOOD and BENEFICIAL happened to us whether small or big. And as this year ended, we are just hoping for better, brighter year ahead. We should not only hope but put an action as well. As maybe, change your mindset; do more; be more as I am sure if we do, that definitely 2021 will be a better year!

I hope that this reflection of mine helps you to do your realizations and get you through the coming days.