It’s been more than a week now since my heart was shattered, truly loving someone with all you have is a great blessing and a curse.

I am often wondering, do I really deserved this pain and disappointments? Did I do something bad in my past life or current life, that’s why the universe is shattering and punishing me. It is not easy to accept things as is. I am always questioning myself, why? I’ve got thousands of whys.

I am trying to live my life as if I am not hurting but it is nearly next to impossible. I find it hard to be happy with the other things that I have, I know that I have many other more little blessings but even that- is being overshadow by the pain that I am feeling. As much as I would like to be happy and okay again and continue living my life, it seems that it will really take a while and lots of tears to be able to achieved that.

When all the memories flashbacks, I don’t know what I should feel. Maybe, I should took it as a warning when your Mom utter this words “I hope, it is the last time” when you introduced us to her. I am also wondering, what would type of character would I be when you tell stories about your past.

I wanted to be kind and understanding and be the bigger person, but even that I am struggling to be. I feel that I am so bad for thinking bad things about you, for hating you a bit, for not wishing you well. I am really sorry if I turned out to be this kind of person. I really do not want to be the GLADYS that is evil. As much as I could, I wish to be the kindest and very forgiving person. I don’t want to keep hate and anger in my heart. Maybe soon, maybe someday, maybe next time… I will be able to keep in mind- I am going through all this because once, I’ve been loved.

“Maybe next time I’ll be enough
You’ll give me everythin’ instead of givin’ up
Maybe next time won’t be a waste
You’ll be the one and not the onе that got away
So, I count down the days ’til I won’t have to say

Maybe nеxt time” – Jamie Miller

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