BASHingtothesnow

I am here writing this to you. I am not sure if you will be able to read it or not. But still, I would like to let you know these things for the last time.

I am still hurting, I don’t know what else should I do now. I am like a shattered glass, a puzzle with a missing piece. I don’t know how I am going to carry on with my life. I know healing will take time – a really really long time and this add to the relationship trauma that I already had. I am not writing this so you could feel guilt. I just would like to have this chance just to say THANK YOU.

Thank you for the time that you gave me love, when I couldn’t even love myself.

Thank you for making these past years bearable.

Thank you for atleast giving me a chance to felt what was happiness, though it didn’t last but still I am grateful.

Thank you for making few of my dreams come true.

Thank you for giving me an extended family and circle of new people.

Thank you for allowing me to love you.

There were many other small things that I am grateful for to you.

Even our partnership did not last long, I am still thankful to you.

Pain will always haunt me but atleast I have fond and good memories of you.

Thank you for showing me, I can be so much more that I am.

And sorry for everything. Sorry I am not able to wish your happiness right now. But maybe soon, when the scars fade I will be able to. Sorry for deleting all the memories we had, maybe just my coping mechanism.

This is my last letter to you. You are free now. Thank you and I love you.

Your 🌻

Life is really tough and unpredictable.

Another fall back. Another wall that I wasn’t able to climb or break.

Should I just accept that in this Journey, I am ALONE, that it is my destiny.

Maybe I should get used to it, that in the Middle of nowhere, everyone else is going to left and abandon me.

Should I just shut myself up from the world, so I will not feel the PAIN anymore.

Should I just accept that no one is going and willing to accept me and my life hurdles.

Should I just lower my expectations and hope, so it won’t hurt anymore.

Should I put the blame to the world for throwing me and casting me away?

Should I really, Trust no one…

The things I feared the MOST, happened to me once again.

Maybe the HAPPINESS in this life is not for me.

Maybe, in the next life. I will be happy.

Here I am again, after a long hiatus. These past few months has never been easy for me; even to my family. We lost our loved ones and it broke my heart that since I am away from home, I cannot really help to comfort my family. I know everyone of us is struggling but still we are trying to stand on our feet for our very own reasons or maybe because we do not have another option but to fight for life.

Right now, I’ve been on a heavy and exhausting journey, that any moment I feel like giving up. I am even questioning my purpose in life. I am desperately praying everyday to GOD to allow me to see why I am experiencing this. GOD never leaves me. He continously putting a special person in my life who is willing to support me, encourage me, be understanding of me. He is like a pillar that I can lean on.

Life is tough and full of obstacle but still if we will learn to count our blessings and be grateful for every liitle things that we have than to focus on what we do not have, we will see the GREATNESS and the GENEROSITY that GOD is sending to our life. Maybe these past days, I put my focus on the wrong direction reasons why I am feeling empty and lost. If I will put GOD as my navigator and compass, he will lead me to a calmer and bluer sea. Life is too short to dwell on the people who hurt you. If you have the ability to FORGIVE, learn to forgive as at the end, you will be the one to attain the PEACE and HARMONIOUS life you wanted. (Sorry as it is mixed up-my message to you my reader and a message to myself as well). Learn to let go of the past, the pain and traumas that you experienced. I know it is a long process but if you set your heart and mind into it, you will achieve it.

**special message to someone- KO**

• I really don’t know what happened to the two of you, but I am hoping and praying for your HEALING. Life is short. And I hope that you will stop all those silly things that you are doing right now. You deserve peace, you deserve to be happy with your own destined person. I will continuously pray for you. I am sorry, I got mad at you for doing those things to me; at some point, I can understand you but I am just hoping that you will realize that what you did was wrong.

To MABY,

Thank you for being there despite of everything that happened. Thank you for not leaving me during those hard times. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for being my shock absorber. Thank you for encouraging me, for giving me the motivation and strenght to continue. I know I am not a perfect MABY, but I will try my best to be a good and faithful one to you. Thank you. Happy 11th. I love you

“Good things comes to those who wait”

Serendipity- luck that takes the form of finding valuable or pleasant things that are not looked for.

Your birthday is coming up but I wasn’t able to think a meaningful gift that I can give you, so hopefully you will like this since you told me that you like my writings and hoping that someday I will also write something about you.

I actually do not know how I am going to start this and you keep on asking me what I am doing while I am writing this so it’s kinda hard to tell excuses.

An unexpected encounter and “pilit” one. When we started talking to each other, I don’t really have an idea that I will fall for you. As I have told you, I completely closed and locked the door of my heart and barely let anyone be part of my life but I really can’t explain it, I found myself smiling and looking forward to your messages even if it’s just a sentence or two. You make it easy for me to TRUST someone again. You know the pain I’ve been through and I know yours, maybe that’s the biggest connection that we have. You make it easy for me to open my heart again. I know, we only have known each other for just few months but I can really tell that you were different, a SPECIAL ONE. You were the biggest ACCIDENT in my life, that if I will given a chance to repeat, I will do it a million times. I know I am lacking in many aspects but you still accept and LOVE me as I am.

Before, I wrote here that TEARS also tells a thousand words, but with you this TEARS only means HAPPINESS. Thank you for becoming the new meaning of those words. Thank you for allowing me to LOVE you in ways that I can. Thank you for being so understanding. Like a simple facial expression or eye roll you already know what I mean. Thank you for making it easy to communicate with you. Thank you for your sacrifices just to see me and be with me. Thank you for bragging to your friends that you have me. Thank you for always making me a part of your everyday life. Thank you for the encouragements when I needed them. Thank you for making me laugh on silly things. Thank you for introducing me to your passion. Thank you for being with me and keeping up with my “toyo” days. Thank you for giving me another family. Thank you for teaching me how to LIVE again and look forward for the next morning. Thank you for counting down the days that we can be together again. Thank you for making life bearable for me. I thank GOD, and your parents for your LIFE.

Since we have been together, I regain the confidence again that I am worthy to be LOVE, to be taken care of. And I am very happy that we rarely say SORRY which in the past becomes an everyday nightmare for me as those words remind me of how unworthy and lacking I am. I know that we have a long way to go but I will make sure that we will through with it together. As you have always said to me, it is not about YOU or ME, it us about US and with that I am grateful that I am part of your future. Looking forward to more days with you and our future ERENS and SERENITY.

Hope that you like it and I will continue to write more about you. My inspiriration, my safe place, my comfort and my love.

I LOVE YOU!